Beauty Issue

So those who know me know that I don’t keep up with fashion and what is in and what is not. If you ask me about where to go shop and what the hottest name in fashion is I will stare back at you like a deer in headlights. However, if you ask me about classic pieces, I can write you a dissertation. 

I also have no idea what the best beauty brands, the best creams, best washes, best exfoliates best whatever the fuck else you put on your face to make sure your face remains at 22 forever.  But I know ALL about natural fixes. Now I will admit that due to me anxiety I have cystic acne and have to go to a dermatologist to make sure I don’t get tumor sized bump. But black heads, white heads, pores, dry skin flaky skin, combination skin, oily skin, puffy eyes, dark circles, skin discoloration, sun spots and whatever the fuck else you can think of for face and hair, I have an all natural fix for that will save you some mega bucks instead of buying whale sperm, gold speckles, diamond dusted micro sized jar of mambo jumbo fixer that takes “6 weeks” to show improvement. Okay so you can look great by the time of your wake. Every month I do a full on spa at home takes about max 3hrs if you really take your time. Up keep is very important and if you can spend 3 hours at a bar every weekend then you sure as fuck better figure out a way to spend some time fixing what you broke.

Number one: multitasking is your best friend. There is a lot that needs to be done so you need to have a routine. Here is mine: usually before I wash my hair I spread bergamot oil (really healthy for your roots and grows in stronger healthier hairs) all through the routes to the tips and wash it out then do a quick body wash. Aveeno is AMAZING. It’s natural, no residue, and there is this calming lavender one that I’m smitten with, also has great moisturizing agents for flakey dry skin (MOI) and won’t over moisturize for oily skin (moi during the summer, weird I know).

Once this is done I do a hair mask; ingredients: 2 eggs, 1 cup olive oil, 1 cup almond oil, 2 opened capsules of liquid vitamin B mix all together.  Prepare before getting in shower. Duh. Once you spread the mask all over comb it through to make sure it really has spread and twist into a bun on the top of your head if you have long hair, or tie back so its not touching your body/face.  I keep the hair mask in for a minimum of 20 mins.

While your hair mask is in can do your body soak as well as facials.

Before you do anything else dry your body off and exfoliate your body with exfoliating gloves (drug store), always go from top down, never up and down. I mean you wont die but this does a few very helpful things. Its gets your circulation moving, it pushes the extra water weight you carry around down through your lymph nodes so you sweat it out easier during your shower, also it’s the best way to rid your skin of unwanted flakes. I saved the best perk for last: helps with cellulite. Here is how it works, cellulite is lumps of hardened fat that sit on top of your muscle instead off embedded in it, thus its harder to rid of, however not impossible. Once your get your blood flow going and your skin warm, not just your body temperature but your actual skin, the cellulite little by little can diminish back into the muscle, but it needs to be massaged in. You know how on cellulite cream it says “rub in really well” well that’s why for the most part, not because this bullshit product you are using has tiny magic elves that work into your skin and rid you of your orange peel ass. You don’t need to spend forever on this; I usually like to do two rounds starting from the arms down, takes about a min to do. This may not be good for everyone if you have really thin, sensitive skin. In which case I would suggest a damp warm washcloth. After you have de-flaked, fill up your tub and add: 2 cups oatmeal mixed with milk so its all yucky and mushy, few drops of lavender, jasmine, and vanilla oil, half cup of almond oil. Now obv. I don’t go around measuring these things but I have been doing it ever since I can remember so I eyeball it, which is what I suggest you do. 

Keep a basin of clean water next by, or a few, and a wash cloth, to wash off your facial with.

Once you are in your tube wash your face with the mixture and make sure you get it all off and your face dry. 

Next you use a mask. This thing is AMAZING. You can find it at Ricky’s or a drug store. Its called Aztec healing clay mask and it’s all-natural. This shit is gods gift to man. It will clear out your pores, ride you of your acne and get rid of any flaky weird shit happening. I have combination skin, my oily t zone gets very oily and my dry spots get very dry, so anyone wondering if this is too harsh on your face, fret not. Also if you read the instructions you can do 10, 15, or 20 mins.  It comes in powder form and it’s a big ass jar for nine bucks a pop. You can mix it with water or raw apple cider vinaigrette, which I prefer. Once you are done with your facemask start to drain your tube and as it drains wash off the mask. Because this mask does so much all at once you are probably going to find that you don’t need too much more work to get your face in tip-top shape. I like to first do a luke warm milk rinse to calm down any irritation that might have occurred, also its just full of great vitamins and tightens up your skin, if you are having baggy eyes this is a great remedy. After your rinse and your tube has emptied out turn on your shower and wash out your hair. You will feel a difference immediately. Use a light shampoo like Johnson’s baby wash to get rid of the entire gunk. You don’t want to use crazy brands just because they leave a residue of chemicals that you don’t want and your hair looks like a sad limp broom. 

At this point you can hop out of your shower.

A key point: your bathroom should remain like a steam room till the end. So we are talking about hot water. I mean don’t burn yourself but push it to your limit. This way all of your pores open up, your circulation gets moving, things you put on your body are soaked in easier and your skin is more elastic.

Once out, the first thing you do is pour out a tiny bit of bergamot oil into the palm of your hand, rub together till warm and soaked into your hand. This stuff is potent so for people with oily roots/fine hair/straight hair (guess who, yet again) you only want to have a light residue left on your hands and work from your tips up to roots. While at it give your self a nice scalp massage, to really get the oil in and wake up your roots. Why do you think grannies always tell you to brush your hair like a hundred times before bed? Its all about the scalp action, massaging will help promote hair growth.  I usually let my hair air-dry. Blow drying after all that effort defeats the purpose, you didn’t just put all that weird shit in your hair just to burn it all in the end. Towel dry it as best you can and by the time your dressed and out the door it will be dry anyway, esp. if it’s the first thing you do once out of the shower.

Next comes your face. I am addicted to witch-hazel (again found at drug stores, 5 bucks for a decent size). It is truly magic. And you only need a little bit. What this does is works as an anti inflammatory agent and astringent. It’s the purest form of a toner you can get. It’s also very soothing for stressed and tired skin. A lifesaver for those with an oily t-zone. Though I would say keep it away from eye area, it can burn. My skin stays a healthy normal complexion all day after this stuff.  Next we have the eyes. This is the first thing I came up with partially on my own and hasn’t been handed down to me from god knows where. I keep this remedy in a jar in my fridge, the cold really does a number for bags and dark circles. Cucumber (the center where its jelly like with all the seeds) and Turmeric paste mixed together. You will have to crush the cucumber seeds and make sure the jelly like part is not clumpy and can be applied evenly. When creating the mixture think, for every two teaspoons of cucumber jelly stuff one teaspoon of paste, you want it to be gelatin like so when applying its only a light film under your eye and over your eye lid. If you don’t know what Turmeric is, well wiki it, it does a lot of great stuff, from anti inflammatory to anti aging, also heals sunspots, and works as an anti-oxidant. Again found at your drug store for a couple bucks. I actually have it in liquid form as well and add a few drops into half a glass of water every night. It tastes not good :-/ but really helps for inflamed muscles or getting ride of extra water weight you might have gotten from salty or spicy foods (cankles are not a good look).  You can also mix the paste with rose water and use as an alternative toner, though it might have a slight tan to it (it comes from the ginger family and is used for saffron and creating curries in it’s culinary use). In terms of moisturizer I actually just use tea tree oil mixed with almond oil. It should be used very very sparingly and it might take you a couple tries till you figure out the best amount for your skin. Tea tree is great because it does a ton of good things for your skin to keep it healthy and vibrant, though keep away from eye area, though it is an oil it dose not sit like an oil, it can feel acidic and burning at time when it’s not mixed in enough with almond oil. I say use almond oil because it is one of the lightest oils there is and won’t leave your face greasy, just fresh and natural. If you found yourself having applied too much instead of wiping off, blot gently with a cotton ball till you feel happy with the amount left on. You can also use grape-seed, which I hear great things about though it is harder to come across and is more expensive.

And you are done. All natural gal.

Few things I didn’t mention:

Great eye masque: plain old cold yogurt. Gets rid of bags and moisturizes the fuck out of your peepers.  Keep on for 10-15 mins. Rinse with luke warm water and moisturize as regular.

Also, super old school trick, tea bags. Earl grey, or any sort of black tea, has caffeine in it, which once absorbed by your skin tightens up, and bam no more puffy eyes, also great for circulation. I’m sure you have heard how just today scientists are finding that caffeine when applied to skin can keep it looking young. Yea my great granny could have told you that and she was no doctor, just a mother of five. The story behind this is as follows: when I was little my eyes would get super itchy and puffy and red, it turned out I was deathly allergic to our cat. But my mom would warm up a cup of water; dip the tea bag in for a few secs, then put it over my eyes. It was instant relief, you have to keep dipping it back in though, the warmth allows the caffeine to release, I would say let sit for about 5-10 mins. Apparently she had the same kind of issue when she was younger during the spring season and her granny would put tea on her eyes.

Another masque that I love love love but is messy: get your bathroom all steamed up and apply molasses or pure honey all over your face, minus eyes, but include lips!. I picked this up from some older Cuban ladies who went to my gym and we sat together in the steam room. They would pull out jars of this stuff and put it on and sit there for 30 mins. They swore by it and when they washed it off their skin looked so fresh and healthy. I mean their skin always looked great, I’m sure they had many other home remedies I don’t know about to keep them looking that way. If you have a gym take it with you into the steam room, or the sauna, both do wonders for tightening up your skin and pores.  

Well I think those are all my secrets for now, if I think of any more I will add on a part 2! Let me know if you try one of these and how it worked for you!!