Friday, September 30, 2011


Men are idiots. As if I don't say it enough. I generally know how to handle my men; I know when to put aside the stubbornness, when to let go of stupid comments, when to let them ‘win’. Men have diva moments, they have big time diva moments, and I generally know when to look the other way and let them live out their little shit fits. Some would say that I am a pacifist who let my men walk all over me. I would argue that I simply don’t give a fuck. I’m not a nagger. I know the difference between a personality trait and an odd behavioral moment. Men grow slower then women, I allow them to grow, and stumble, and most importantly get back up. If he doesn’t get back up then I’ll let him rot in his pit of misery. All I expect in return is for me to have my bat shit crazy moments as well and not to have them be made a huge deal about. Every time I fly off the rail dose not mean that I am actually an irrational person, it means I’m having a fucking moment. I let you have your damn moment, so let me have mine! Ugh... It’s funny, I’ll give an example: I let (let’s call him “fucker” for time being) fucker be a drunk idiot and do stupid shit all night long AND put up with whisky dick (wa wa waaaaa) and wake up in the morning and make the coffee like a good little stepford wife not mentioning a single thing about said debauchery of previous night (all is forgiven in lieu of little fucker making up for his weak behavior in the morning). However, when I am having a rough weak and get a little psycho bitch all of a sudden it’s “I don’t know if I can be the person you want me to be” BS. Honey, unless your name is prince fucking charming nobody can be what I want them to be, don’t flatter yourself. What the hell is it with men and not know when to let their women have a fucking moment. Every time we go ape shit crazy on you does not actually mean we are truly that angry or upset, in hindsight we tend to look back and say ‘ooppss, blew that one way out of proportion…’ because that’s what we do. For fucks sake know when to take it seriously and when to let it be. If it’s not mentioned again within the next 24 to 48 hours it’s probably a ‘oops’ moment. Granted if these oops moments happen more then often you should see a therapist, really, it works. This is new territory for fucker, usually I am calm and collected, in the past, let's see, 4 years now? That this shit has been going on, I've thrown a hammer in his general direction only once! I also recall sucker punching him for some sort of immoral behavior...However point being that I am only now starting to have some oops moments because life has been throwing some curve balls and I can't quite keep it together all the time. Fucker has no idea how to handle this. I might have to hand the bastard a xanex and tell him to buckle down cuz it’s gonna be a long ride. 

Monday, September 26, 2011

ups downs and all arounds

Well I am saying goodbye to 23 and hello to 24. I learned a lot from many mistakes, and I have a feeling this will be a more productive year. I mean 24 started off with a plethora of Chanel goodies, amazing dinners, best friends, laughs and partying in moderation. I call this the year of moderation. My friend saw my birthday goodies on one of my birthday dinners and claimed that I had now officially reached woman hood, granted your things should not define who you are but if you are at a maturity to own those things then a certain level of maturity is required in the way you handle yourself...I mean you can't be stumbling home at 4 am decked out in Chanel from some dive least not on the regular. I will always love my dive bars, I will of course have some nights when I am getting back home at 4am, I'm 20 something, this is the time for those things to happen, however, this party girl is going to be slowly trading in her shot and beer for a glass of wine and getting ready to pass down the crown to another newly 20 something just out of college party animal. I mean I know I'm starting to hit my limits because I'm starting to get tired by 12:30 and wake up with the occasional hangover. Side note: I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN HANG OVERS IN MY LIFE. EVER. That was deff a sign that my body is not what it used to be, and that I really should take better care of myself. This year certainly had its ups and downs. Love had, lost, rehashed, job changes, school, and so very many other things I couldn’t possibly list it all. But I can say that I am one damn lucky gal. In lieu of past recent events I have become even more aware of how lucky I am to have the best friends that I do. Most people can spend their whole lives not even having half of one of the friends that I have, and I get to have so many. I always say that your friends are the family you get to choose, and I got some great selections. Next thing to be grateful for, I have learned to love, all over again, each day I learned to fall in love over and over and over again. That is a beautiful gift. I don't know where things will go with my relationshit but as much as I have bitched about it, there are qualities there that have obviously kept me going back for more. And regardless of what happens I will always be grateful for having learned how to love to such a capacity. I am also grateful that my life is absolutely bat shit, soap opera crazy. Boring is, well, boring. I'm insane, and therefore my life is insane. Most people wouldn’t be able to handle it and I still wonder how I have the courage to get out of bed in the morning because it is a war zone out there, but I do anyway, and I secretly LOVE every minute of it. It's either put on your heels and helmet or get out the way. I have a gut feeling that 24 will be very different; I can feel the slight tingling in my toes that I really am becoming a woman and coming into my own. I will hold my head up high and march on ahead no matter what get's thrown my way, and I'll be damned if I don't do it classy as fuck. It’s do or die baby. Watch out world, I'm on a mission. 
It's been real 23, peace. 

Tune Up Your Vocabulary

Okay so I requested one of my nearest and dearest friends to guest post on my blog because she is hilarious and has this extraordinary quality of being able to say the dirtiest things while maintaining her lady like composure. Now I told y'all once and I'll tell y'all again, I roll with the best, fuck the rest. 
Warning: you might piss your pants. 

Is it just me, or is it getting harder and harder to insult people? Whatever happened to just calling someone an asshole and being done with it? Or saying “U Suck!” (loudly of course)? Wit and expansive reference knowledge has become necessary to put someone down it seems… Ms. Mey is Queen of this sort of name-calling, whereas me, I like to keep things short and sweet. I am a fan of the nasty epithet, making everyday words offensive. Nothing too long, and straight to the point. I don’t have the time or the quickness to craft masterful verbal abuse. So I turn to these bad boys…

Cum receptacle/ Cum Guzzler (n.)- Words like whore, ho, and slut do not cut it any more in this cut-throat world, where rappers and free- style battles reign. This is an easy quick to the point way of calling a person those generic nouns, all while making them think about it.
Dick Licker (n.)- This is one of my favoritest things to call a guy when they get me angry. For some reason, it gets every straight guy massively offended. I guess it is the connotations that put this over as well, especially if the guy spends so much time defending his masculinity.
Penis breath (n.)- This word creeps into the cum receptacle and dick licker territory, because it is replete with implications and connotations which are not apparent right off the bat.
Masturbation tool- Along the same lines as cum receptacle and cum guzzler, this implies empty easy sex with the same connotations that come with the typical, slut whore, hooker vein, it’s just a little classier.
Slore (n.)- This word is taking the words slut and whore to a whole new level, it is a monster combo that combines the two very divergent words mixing together all the terrible, nasty and dirty connotations (cause ya know there is a difference). Slooker falls into this category as well.
Smut/ Smut a tut tut (n.)- Borderline tame and generic epithet, but just roll off the tongue with nasty ease.
Cuntiface (n. or adj.)- Every time I hear this or say this, I laugh and automatically feel a tremendous amount of pity (maybe spiteful pity) for the person this is referring to. It is awful, but delightfully malicious all at the same time. Killer combo: Cuntiface twat… if you really want to go there
twat/ tit-  both borrowed from the other side of the pond, this is one of my favorites. Short, sweet, right to the point and almost obscure.  Twat is just hilarious and disgusting. Tit is similar to douche bag and asshole according to my understanding, but it can be morphed to your own liking.
Dick wad- A classic retort, age old but still relevant.
Douche (n.)- variants include; douche bag, db, douche breath. These in my opinion sometimes are attached with a playful “Bro” attitude. But when used outside your group of friends it has a stronger impact.
Ass part- What could be worse? Maybe cuntiface
Trifflin’ (adj)- It is an old school word, even my mother uses it, but putting this adjective in front of anything makes it ten times worse.

I hope you find these useful in your next verbal battle. On top of the words, it is all about tone of voice…

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It’s been real

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Life can be a real bitch. People you thought were your friends turn out to be complete back stabbing bitches. Side note on that: I haven't made a new real friend who I could call one of my down as bitches for life in over 6 years. I thought I had made a real friend, a true new girlfriend who was up to par with the rest of my girls. But no. She just turned out to be a malicious little fuck with zero standards and absolutely no respect for girl code. That is why I don't let people into my inner circle that easy, I would rather have a small group of the best fucking friends anyone could ask for rather then a whole bunch of people who are just losers. My friend says I'm too cynical and I need to give people a chance and not judge them right away, and I did that, and now I'm saying fuck that. I gave being nice a chance and it made me go soft and now I'm done thank you very much I'm quite happy being an anti social bitch. The anti social bitch rarely gets burned. Moving on, one of the saddest things ever is when a girl loses her girl code. I'm one of those people where if you're my girl, then I would rather cut off a limb then cross you. Guys come and go but a friend is for life. I also strongly believe in the power of sisterhood, I think being a woman is really hard, and as women we need to stick together, like in Lysistrata. Men are RETARDED. As women we need to stick together, and when we do we can protect ourselves, power in numbers. I mean stop fucking each other over and realize that the girl you are potentially hurting is just like you. She has the same insecurities, she has bad hair days, she pinches her fat and goes crazy over breakouts and convinces herself that her eyebrows need reshaping and she cant possibly go out with those eyebrows just because she, just like you, had a bad day, or has a broken heart, or is feeling unattractive because of a dry spell. It's just really sad that some girls have no respect for their gender. Like don't fuck around with a dude if you know he has a gf, that's just fucked up. How are you gonna do that to your own. I mean even if this hypothetical gf is a horrible gf and blah blah blah you should still be the bigger woman and respect the territory. Its karma. It's fucking decency. Why is it so hard for people to be decent? To just be good and do the right fucking thing and have some fucking morals and values and stick to those. I'm not tryna be all preachy, I have had my fair share of bad girl moments, but rarely ever malicious shit. I'm just talking about the feeling in your guts when you know you are doing something wrong and you do it anyway, that's all fine and whatever but when it starts to hurt someone else, then your just being an asshole. If you put your hand in the flame it will burn. And karma is a bitch. And if your ever questioning if it's right or worng, it's probably wrong. Call your mom, she'll tell you.

Thursday, September 15, 2011


What I would really like for my birthday is to fly to Paris and be let lose here (with an ever lasting amount of money) :


thats never gonna happen....


It's a serious shit show when you have people like Avril Lavigne showing their 'designs' at NY fashion week. How many disasters is NYC supposed to go through? 9/11, a 'hurricane' and now fucking this shit...come on now...


A collection of photos I have been gathering over the years...

Friday, September 9, 2011

uh uh baby, I wanna be your lover

Friday's frozen foods over heating in the microwave is the smell of desperation

My life has come down to binge eating Friday's sliders while watching My Life As Liz. Where there is smoke there is fire

I need a scalpel

For this lobotomy that needs to happen ASAP to the portion of my brain that still loves/obsesses/is fascinated/can't get over you.  You selfish, narcissistic prick.

Truth: sitting at a bar with you, the guy next to you turns and says to me, and I quote "You could do so much better than this guy, you would do better if you threw a rock out the window and it hit someone" BURN. Both for me and him.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Love is...

- "i think we agreed to be fuck buddies...that is probably the worst idea for humanity in general since bush's re election and Hitler's mass killings"
- "don't forget the Spanish inquisition "


I am so fucking terrified right now.


OOooookkkkkk so hanging out with an ex is always tricky territory...that being said that's exactly what happened upon this rainy night. Not only were we acting like, scratch that, not only was he acting like we were still together but on top of it we made several couple jokes, oh the buck doesn't stop there my friends, oh no. It's just starting. And pulled me to sit on his lap. Oh this book keeps going and going, like lord of the rings. AND then he got pissed that I couldn't stay over because I have class in the morning. And I WOULD have gone. Had I no class in the morning. Fucking education is getting in the way of my love life. More like, here it comes again, RELATIONSHIT. Oh how I seem to love shit, and how good I seem to be able to eat shit with a shovel like a hungry baby who's mother stuffs its mouth with an overloaded spoon of baby goo food. They say that it's a sign of stupidity when you repeat the same mistakes over and over again and still fail to change your behavior pattern in order to avoid those mistakes. Oh look, there is my picture next to that definition. gr8!
Somebody, please, just shoot me. This was ugly, now it's just getting obscene. FML.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I Can't Even Come Up With A Title Anymore. How About 'Fucked'?

So yesterday my friends and I went to PS1's warmup dance party thing and usually I go their pretty early in order to be fully obliterated by 7 pm and dance with no shame. I mean NO shame. Anyway we were all sober and watching for the first time the insanity of the dance party sober. As we are weaving out way around some guy yells out to me and I turn around and he starts talking to me like he knows me, my reaction though skeptical at first was to think that he was a friend of a friends and we had met at a previous warmup and had shared an obviously very drunken dance off and I just did not recognize him. WRONG. After he leads us to his friends he starts to ask me questions that obviously mean I do not know him. Such as "Is this your first time coming to the warmup?" — right, well obviously I had not met you before. FUCK. I grabbed my girlfriend and ran to the W.C. explained the situation I had gotten myself into and of course she laughed at me because this shit ALWAYS happens to me. We made our great escape and all but is it that I manage to always attract all the creeps.

Thursday, September 1, 2011




Unfortunately you can't get away from relationshits, weather your in a relationshit with your parents/bf/gf/friend/boss, these things haunt your life like the plague. I have recently witnessed a beautiful relationship devolve into a relationshit involving two best friends (who are also roommates) fighting mostly because of another ones shitty choice in wifying up some dumb hoe. And having said dumb hoe come live with them for an x amount of time. I was discussing with my friend the pickle she has found herself in a slightly intoxicated mind frame and this spelled out something very clear and what should have been obvious. DON'T BRING EM HOES HOME. Not to keep. EVER. ALSO. If your die-hard-best-friend-for-life-who-knows-you-better-than-your-mother gave your hoe a chance and don't like em, you get rid of that hoe. That right there is a bad hoe. Sometimes there is the off chance that said best friend has some kind of weird territorial issue and doesn’t like to share, well lets just say in that scenario you have more important things to worry about then a hoe, like why you can't seem to get your shit together enough to get some of the good crazy people in your life and keep the bad crazy out. See the thing is, as I have come to find in my ripe youth, that relationships are important, and sometimes your relationship will turn into a relationshit. This is healthy, don't have a shit fit over it, the important thing is that you pull that relationshit out of the gutter and revert it to a relationship that is now stronger and healthier. And please remember to not shit where you eat or eat where you shit.