this entry was called "woah just woah" but now I'm changing it to "Beware: innapropriate usage of the word 'fuck'"

When they say life is a roller coaster they are not fucking around. I've had so many ups and downs within the past 36 hours I feel like an elevator at the empire state building. Woozy and a little over used. As a professional party goer with a BA in getting rinsed (word cred goes to another party goer, wish I could take it but it ain't mine) I've composed a small list of things you really ought not to do and things you really should do.

Don't take off your shirt. No matter what, do not, I repeat, do not take off your shirt.
Eat before you down that bottle of cheap whiskey.
Try your best to not be the last person to leave the scene of the party, it's incriminating.
Call your mom.
When that broken ass homie at the end of the bar starts to look like Robert Downey Jr or who ever else tickles your fancy, it's probably time to shuffle your sloppy ass over to your responsible friend and ask with your inside voice if you could get some help getting your sorry self home.

Get a responsible friend. These are rare but crucial creatures.
Always have at least four different cab companies on your speed dial. Shit gets rough.
Befriend your bartender, you don't have to hoe it out to ever sucker to get free drinks. Tip well, learn their name, say thanks, don't be a jackass and reach over the bar shouting "ay gimme a yourchoiceofposion" and they generally like it when you ask to do a shot with them. Watch, by your third round drinks are on the house. It's basic alcoholics politics.
Most people don't know this but you can almost always get away with smoking indoors after a certain hour depending on the bar and night. If caught, well just don't be a dumb ass and get caught.
People you really ought to get to know: 1. bouncers (I don't do lines, I simply refuse. If there is a line and your not letting me skip it to get in, fuck that.) Best way to befriend the scary ass mofo who looks like he eats babies for breakfast and drinks unicorn blood instead of water is to go out for a cigg and strike up a convo with the BFG, and don't be a jackass and be fake. People are interesting, you can hear some pretty cool stories if you give them the chance.
2. Bartenders, as explained previously.
Your golden ticket is the manager or owner. Unfortunately they lurk in some hidden corner and tend to have a giant stick up their ass so getting one is kinda like hunting for mosquitoes, it could bite you in the ass (did you know those fuckers are the cause of over two million deaths per year?? and yea I read wikipedia when I'm bored, what?) .
Let's also talk about heels. Heels are cool, sure. You know whats not cool? A stumbling broke ass bitch who keeps falling over due to the toxicity levels in her blood stream and the retarded fashion statement in the form of a pair of heels. Ladies you hear people saying know your limits, that's not limited to drinking and extreme sports. It extends itself to the amount of dicks in your vag and other such orifices, and the inches you sport. This is real talk. If I have to see one more broad sprawled out in the middle of the street because her dumb ass fell over on 'em 9 inch stilettos and now she's got her hoochie hangin out about town like it's the fuckin' Halloween parade of 91' I'm gonna rape her in the eyeball and inject her with aids. real. fucking. talk.
I've already expressed my contempt for clothing that's too short. Genitalia need not a coming out party, shit ain't no debutant, don't need to be introduced to the world, we all got one, I know what it looks like I don't need to be reminded thank you very much. Same goes for ass and titties, the world is not your stripper pole. And nobody is even paying you. That is one sad ass look.
Moving on to the fuckery of old men and young chicks, really? It never ceases to disturb me.
Or how about the super short chick with the super tall dude. I just really don't see how that works, do they carry around like a portable ladder in order to have conversation? The odds are against you guys, sorry to burst your bubble.
okay this is just turning into a ramble of my disdain for people in general so I'll stop now and save some for later.
Ciao (only douche bags say this <<, if you hear someone saying it, its a douche bag alert)